NLP Techniques: Rapport

Instant Communication

by Laura Interval

Having trouble communicating? Feeling uncomfortable or having a hard time understanding a particular person? Wish you could improve your sales pitch and improve your connection with potential clients? These are just a few problems you can solve with a greater understanding of one of NLP’s basic and most important concepts, rapport.

Wikipedia defines rapport as one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction. It is commonality of perspective, being in "sync", being on the same "wavelength" as the person with whom you are talking.

So, why is it that you like some people instantly while others you meet rub you the wrong way? Bandler and Grinder found that it all depends on how people process information. In general, everyone uses one of three representational systems at any given time. When you make initial contact with a person, for example, they will either be generating visual images, having feelings or talking to themselves and hearing sounds in order to communicate. Good rapport is usually a result of people processing information the same. So, the NLP concept of Rapport is about identifying what mode of perception a person uses and then changing the way you are communicating to better suit them. By mirroring them, by communicating visually to a visual person, for example, you will be able to achieve clearer communication and mutual understanding.

Rapport and mirroring are also key components of modelling; the technique used to copy someone else’s representational systems within themselves. A junior salesman, for example, who wants to become as successful as the top salesman in his office can use mirroring to gain rapport and get a much deeper understanding of how this top salesman does what he does.

MIRRORING

Mirroring is basically copying the other person in order to get a better understanding of what perceptual mode they are using. Study the person. Notice first their body language, their mannerisms, their voice and then their words. Researchers have discovered that 55% of a speaker’s impact is determined by body language, 38% by voice and only 7% by the words used. So, study the body language carefully.

Things to notice include:

Eye Movements
Body Posture
Hand Gestures
Facial Expressions
Breathing
Movement of Feet
Weight Shifts

If they are shifting their weight from foot to foot, begin to shift your weight in the same way. If they are breathing rapidly, mirror their breathe with yours.

Of course subtlety is part of the technique. They suggest you start with one thing, maybe a hand gesture, and gradually add in others. As you become better at mirroring physically, you should feel a rise in your comfort level with this person. By mirroring his/her body language, the person will begin to feel trust and understanding and a freedom to more fully express themselves. And you will begin to feel more comfortable as well.

MATCHING

Many NLP practitioners interchange “matching” and “mirroring”. Some make the basic distinction that matching is copying their mannerisms only when you speak, not while you listen. Therefore there is a subtle time difference as to when you copy their behavior. While in mirroring, you do it at the same time.

Next, Identify their Perceptual Modes:

So how do you know how a person is processing information? Practice active listening. There are three dominant perceptual modes and clues as to which they are using:

Visual – Listen to the words they use. A visual person will say things like, “I see what you mean.” “My point of view is . . .”, “This idea looks good to me.”

Auditory – will say things like, “That sounds like a good idea”, “Clear as a bell”, “Something just went click in my brain…”

Feeling – will say things like, “That feels right”, “I can’t get a handle on this idea”, “I feel ya”

Once you have picked up these clues, practice using the same words or phrases in your conversations with them. Come up with your own phrases in the same mode. Also notice voice tone and try to mirror it. By adding this to the physical gesture, you will create an even stronger rapport.

Cross over matching

This is a variation on the mirroring technique where you match one of the other person’s behaviors with a corresponding but different movement. It can be useful if a person’s state is not one that you want to match (say if they are in a depression) to choose an alternative way to match their behavior. For example, move your foot at the same pace that they are breathing.

You may also want to use cross over matching when you are too deep in rapport with another person and are having a difficult time making your own decisions. You may need to break away to give yourself a little time to think. You can mismatch by speaking faster or louder, or simply breaking eye contact.

Rapport is a powerful technique. Some of the best sales people in the world use it to make a connection with you on an unconscious level. An expert can make you buy anything if they are good at rapport!

Your physiology influences your thoughts and therefore your state. A person’s body language says a lot about what’s going on inside of them. By hooking in to another’s physiology, by mirroring or matching their behavior, you can get true insight into their actions and motivations. You can gain greater understanding of them and therefore improve your means of communication.

So, next time you find yourself in a communication break down, give mirroring a try. See if you can get a glimpse of the world from the other’s perspective. If you can begin to feel the way they do, you will get a better understanding of where they are coming from and as a result, a better relationship.

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