Ending A FriendshipOff of the Playground
by Laura Interval
I can remember being on the playground in 4th grade chasing my bff (best friend forever) around the playground because she wouldn’t talk to me. I was gasping for breathe through my tears begging her to tell me what was wrong. She was laughing with the other girls and blatantly ignoring me. She also told everyone in school not to talk to me and they were happy to do it. She broke my little 8 year old heart. At the end of that awful day I had one thought that comforted me. One thought that gave me hope. And that was that one day, when I was a grown up, I wouldn’t have to deal with these childish situations. Adults don’t treat their friends like this. Oops. Cut to 20, 30 years later. The situations are just more complicated in this playground of life. We still chase each other around. We still refuse to talk to each other. So, I think it bears repeating. A refresher course on friendship and even more specifically, what to do when you no longer want to be friends. At best, a friendship that has come to an end will mutually fade away and become a good memory. At worst, we hang on to a friend through sentimentality, obligation or guilt and end up with irreparable damage to everyone involved. So, how do we know when a friendship is over and how do we make the best choice to end it? Quite frankly, a friendship is over when you no longer feel it is worth your time or energy, right? In order for a friendship to endure, it requires attention and work from both parties. A neglected friendship will become stressful. You may find yourself avoiding phone calls or making up excuses to be unavailable. If you find yourself uninterested or unwilling to tend to the relationship, it is up to you to make a conscious decision to end it. Get real and become aware of why you want to end it. Ask yourself these questions: What was the common thread that brought you together? When were you the most fulfilled in the relationship? What do you like about this person? What have you learned from this person? What do you not like about this person? Is there one event in particular in which this person hurt you?Why do you no longer feel like giving your time to this person? Your answers to these questions should give you a clear picture of why this friendship no longer works for you. Write it down if you have to. Determine why you are feeling the way you do. If you are still certain that this friendship is over for you, begin a conscious plan. This can be tough. I know telling someone that you no longer feel your friendship is working may cause you to cringe but, I’m a big believer in the truth. Don’t make them chase you around the playground. Think of it this way. What would you want? What kind of friend are you and what do you expect from your friends? There are really only two clear cut choices here. Either you tell the person straight out, or you begin an avoidance plan. Let’s just start with the avoidance plan and get it out of the way. You feel your energy being zapped. You no longer feel comfortable in a friendship or feel loyal to the relationship that used to be. You can justify all the reasons why you shouldn’t and can’t tell them the truth. “I don’t want to hurt their feelings” you say. Or, “they won’t understand”. You feel guilty, a little mean, and you may even duck when you see them at the mall. And the chase is on. You are avoiding them, the situation and your own feelings. Meanwhile, they are wondering why you haven’t returned their calls and what they did that was so wrong. If this situation continues to go unresolved, your friend will most likely go through hurt and anger towards you before “getting over it” and trying to forget the whole thing. Now, the friendship that you had once is questionable and tarnished. And why? Because you thought it was better not to say anything. Am I right? There’s really no good way for the avoidance plan to end. You’re still giving your time and energy to the friendship only this way it is wrapped in guilt and regret. Now, let’s work through the truth scenario. You feel your energy being zapped. You no longer feel comfortable in the friendship or feel loyal to the relationship that used to be. You feel yourself starting to avoid your friend’s calls and pray you don’t run into them. You become aware of what it is exactly that is no longer working for you and prepare to tell this person honestly. You’ve taken the time to answer the above questions and you know exactly what you want to say to them. Push through your fear. Your fear is based on how you THINK they will respond. Your fear is based in your perception, not reality. Your responsibility in this relationship is to your truth, not to take care of them based on what you think may happen. In doing so, you honor the friendship you once had. And you may be surprised by their response. They may be hiding behind hurt as well. So often friendships fall apart over misunderstandings that honesty could have cleared up.When you find yourself stalling, remind yourself that this is your best way to take care of yourself and your friend. You can never be ashamed or regretful of telling your truth. However, avoidance and subconscious passive aggressive behavior will bring you guilt and regret and keeps you on the playground. If you come from a place of caring and respect, they will receive it that way. Their response may be masked in hurt and fear at first, but at the end of the day everyone respects honesty. And this is the only way your friendship will have a chance to come back around at a later date. There may be a time when you find yourselves needing each other again. An honest approach will only add to your integrity as a friend. Life really is too short to spend time with people who are not honestly reciprocating your friendship. You don’t need to avoid them or make excuses to move on. Just communicate and be honest. Declare what you want and what you don’t want. Leave the chasing to the eight year olds.
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