More on The Four Agreements

Don't Take Anything Personally

by Laura Interval

How often do you get side swiped or derailed by something someone says to you or about you? You feel confident in what you’re doing, you think you’re committed to your cause and then a comment from some random source makes you question yourself.

In his book “The Four Agreements”, Don Miguel Ruiz proposes that nothing anyone says is ever about you; therefore you must not take anything personally.

If you can make this agreement with yourself, along with “be impeccable with your word”, “don’t make assumptions”, and “always do your best”, you will be doing what you can to live in harmony with the Universe.

I want to focus on this one . . . I just want to talk about not taking anything personally for a minute.

“Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.” – Ruiz

He’s saying that the things said to you or about you are always about the source, the person who originates the message. Their thoughts and comments are inevitably filtered through their own experiences and emotions and therefore, subjective to their own reality. And their reality is not your reality.

So, why should we be affected?

I get that and it sounds great to me and such a relief . . . in theory. Imagine a world where you perceive no more judgments, no more criticisms, no more unsolicited opinions. You block them all out, stripping them of their power by believing that they have absolutely nothing to do with you. That sounds fantastic and freeing.

But it’s not that easy, is it? Especially if you’re a people pleasing do-right Virgo like me.

"I don't know the key to success but the key to failure
is to try to please everyone."
- Bill Cosby

My reality is that I’ve spent way too much time worrying about what people think of me. Hours full of over-thinking . . . rehashing comments to figure out what they meant. I mean even something as banal as “did you change your hair?” used to send me into a self-doubting internal dialogue.

I got to the point where I didn’t know what I wanted anymore… only what I thought everyone else wanted. Compromising my goals and desires was ok with me as long as I felt it was keeping everyone else happy and keeping me admired,

That’s a negative space to be in. Trying to decode messages and translate opinions into something positive and useful is wasted energy. The reality is you will never know how someone else truly feels and the motives behind their words and actions. All you can know and take responsibility for is your truth and what you want. And you know what? That’s really all you have the time and the energy for in this life anyway.

So, let’s get practical. What are some things you can do to begin to make this agreement with yourself?

Say that you’ve just heard something about YOU that wasn’t so nice. Someone just said something to you that didn’t feel good.

Before you react, before you take it into your psyche and body:

1. Consider the source:

Who said it? Where did the message come from? Are they important in your life? Does this person matter to you?

If not, you are not going to spend ANYmore time on it… you are going to move directly on to #2: “let it go”.

If this person does matter, if it comes from a source that is important in your life, consider telling them that you are “not going to take it personally”. By saying this directly to them, you will fortify your identity and purpose and possibly bring awareness to their motives.

I’ve had dear friends say things to me unaware that it would hurt my feelings. Now, if I simply say, “I’m not going to take that personally”, what could have possibly spiraled into a miscommunication is immediately cleared up . . . saving us both a lot of stress and worry.

The key is to stop it BEFORE you let emotions enter in. Don’t question it; make the agreement with yourself to say something as soon as you sense it. It is up to you to take responsibility for how you react and respond here.

2. Let it go:

This requires you to make a conscious choice to release the comment. Don’t hold onto it; don’t allow it to stick around. Banish it from your mind and body, declare it negative and completely useless to you. If it did get into your emotions, it is your responsibility to your own well being to release it. Anger, resentment, or any other negative residue are the emotions that manifest sickness and will only bring more negative. Make your mantra: “It has nothing to do with me….” Until you feel it lift.

3. Reconfirm your action:

Check in with yourself to confirm that you are operating from your truth. Sometimes comments and judgments will hurt if they strike a chord somewhere inside you. If you fear a hint of truth in something negative, you may have a more difficult time not taking it personally. You only need to set it straight within yourself. Confirm that your actions are what you set out to do and give yourself a positive affirmation to continue forward. Redeclare your goal and reinforce your motivation. One of my favorite acting coaches once told me that you have to stamp your own passport. I had been turned sideways by a critic and was feeling insecure. The coach said, “Nothing anyone says or does to you should hold power over your goals or your life path. If you stamp your own passport, no one can hold you back.” I reconfirmed my passion as an artist and got much better at ignoring other’s opinions.

4. Wish the source well:

True proof that you’ve let it go. Wish the source well. Say a silent positive affirmation their way. You will feel a relief from any responsibility or obligation to respond to their comments and will be rewarded with more positive energy back. Instead of going into the emotions of hurt and anger, see if you can have compassion and understanding. Be aware that their comments are often a reflection of or a projection onto you of their own reality.

5. Look at your own judgments:

Now that you know that no one else’s comments have anything to do with you, you must have a new awareness about your own. Next time you’re about to make a comment about someone, be aware. Why are you saying it? What are you feeling? The more you can identify your motives, the deeper your understanding will go. See if you can stop judging altogether and shift your thoughts out of the negative and into the positive. It feels so much better and is so much more productive. The time spent gossiping? Could have been at the gym.

One last point: not taking anything personally has a flip side. If you can’t take the bad comments personally, you can’t take the good comments personally either. I mean, who knows why someone told you that you look great today? It’s human nature to want good things said to you or about you. We all want praise and approval. However, the motivations behind them are just as unclear.

So, the goal is to stand strong within yourself so that no comment, suggestion or judgment will knock you one way or another. Know who you are. Be strong on your intentions and no unsolicited outside remarks will have any power.

If you can make this agreement with yourself, if you can agree to not take anything personally . . . you will have more of the strength you need to fulfill your purpose and you will have more peace along the way.

related articles:

Congruency

Values - Who Are You?

The Four Agreements



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